positives and trying to find those small wins
Well, what a flippin’ flipper of a fortnight.
The roller-coaster ride I mentioned in a previous post has come to an abrupt end – the train has jumped the tracks, landed upside-down in a tree, while PJ and Duncan sing ‘let’s get ready to rumble’ on repeat and I scramble to take the harness off and drop to the tarmac below.
In the last few weeks my family has had to come to terms with not only losing my gorgeously bonkers nan, but, as of last week, my wonderfully witty granddad as well. The only positive is that they’re together and hopefully at peace.
My tiny family is now even smaller and that’s the thing that I think we’re all struggling with.
There’s no ‘one way’ to deal with loss, something that I’m sadly learning with a bit too much ruddy frequency for my liking - I’ve noticed that one day I can be a completely fine functioning human and the next a simple unrelated thing can send me into a tail-spin, it’s a complicated mess of *stuff*
I’m trying to find the positives through all of this, but it’s not easy and takes perseverance. Turns out it’s much easier to crawl under a blanket fort with a bucket of carbs and be a Bridget Jones-style cliche than it is to slap on some make up, put on clothes that don’t swamp your frame and board a busy train into London at 7am to get on with life.
The sun is shining today and I’m taking that as a good sign. I’ve also made it into work, so that’s a win as well. I think the next week will be about small victories and I’m going to make sure to count out every single one, that way when I’m having a low-mo, I can look at what I have achieved, regardless of the size/scale and think ‘I’m doing it’… because I bloody am :-)
On another positive note, I’ve been creating lots of pretty things to keep myself smiling and more importantly, busy.
The two journal cards below are for my grandparents, this one is a quote from one of my nan’s favourite movies – As Good As It Gets
The full quote is “Some [people] have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad”.
That’s my nan, she had good times, noodle salad. She was always content, and I never knew her to complain about what she had or didn’t have. She was truly happy and generous with her time and love and was full of great stories.
This quote is from one of my granddads favourite films – Kindergarten Cop
This sort of sums him up as well as it’s a brilliant quote - wicked, funny and perfectly timed. My granddad was always laughing, sometimes so much that you’d miss the punchline of a joke he was telling as he’d make himself cry with laughter getting to it - but you’d always end up laughing with him, just not at the joke :-)
I miss them both like crazy, but I’m going to carry on doing exactly what they would want me to do… be creative. That will help me keep their memories alive while creating new ones at the same time.
We only get one turn at this, so we may as well make it a good ‘un.